I have created my WordPress on my own domain.  Please check  out TrishCone.com for my past and future blogs.

Six Months Later

It has been six months since my Dad died.  My life has changed in ways that are both positive and negative.  One thing is for sure, my live will never be the same.  I feel that for every step forward I take two steps back.

My family situation was already delicate before my Dad’s death and was made worse by my reaction to his death and my desperate need to hang on to the family that I had left.  I made mistakes.  I said things and did things that I can not take back.  I have apologized and reached out the olive branch.   I can only do so much.  I am building the relationships with my sons and I will focus on them.

Several positive changes that I have made is that I am trying to get out of my four walls and get involved with the community and meet people.  Google on Main was my first experience and it has prompted me to get more involved.  It was awesome to see all of the people come out with only two weeks notice and wave our glow sticks to attract. Google to choose our fantastic city to lay it’s wonderful optic fiber.   I first heard about it on Twitter and it also gave me a chance to meet some of  the people who I followed. I have also attended Tech after Five,http://www.techafterfive.com/ TEDX Salon,http://www.meetup.com/TEDx-Greenville/ Purple Bistro Tweet-up,http://www.fansofpurple.com/ Facebook for business,http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/event.php?eid=126660987375340 and plan on many other events.  I have met some of the most awesome people.

Today I will be volunteering for the first time other than school events.  I will be selling tickets for the first shift of the City of Greenville Red, White and Blue festival.  I am very nervous and tempted to back out.  However, I know that I will be so glad that I did it and it will get me out of the house.  I may end up coming home before the fireworks but I can say I did something positive on this day.

It has not been easy and I have to force myself out the door but I have been so glad that I have gone and always have a great time.  I miss my family.  I shed more tears now than I did six months ago.  Life is so short and you just never know if you get that chance to say I love you and make things right.  I know that I have done all I can do at this point and I have to keep stepping forward.  I also know that one day.  I will be able to take two steps forward and no steps back or at least only one.   Life is what I make it and I am going to make the most of what time I have left on this planet.

Happy 4th of July!  

What is Wrong with the Middle?

I hear so much from the left and right sides in politics.  What is wrong with the middle?  Why do we have to put someone on either side.  I do not consider myself a democrat or republican.  I have issues with both sides.  I see both as having tunnel vision.   The democrats blame the republicans with what is wrong with our economy today and the republicans blame the Clinton administration for the beginning of the economic downturn.   My opinion is that there is no one in Washington with a clue on how to fix this mess.

I believe that there is a middle ground.  Taxes can stay where they are.  I do not want them cut or raised.  I want government spending cut.  Most importantly I want spending to be responsible.  I don’t want big business bailouts and then allow those same businesses to hand out huge salaries and bonuses.  I want healthcare reform but I do not want to have mandated heath care.  I believe that same-sex couples should have all the same legal rights as a heterosexual couple I just want the term “marriage” to be  used for the religious ceremony.   I believe that a woman should have the right to choose what to do with her body.   Abortion was not an option that I would choose but that is for me.

I am also concerned with the racism in our county.  You can disagree with President Obama but please do not label me a racist because I am not a fan.  I have openly been critical of other presidential decisions and have been free to express.  I do not feel as free because I am afraid of being labeled a racist.  I don’t see color.  However, that is not the case with everyone and it is scary how some are bringing up race with their dislike of our President.  We do have some very narrow-minded people in this country and it is sad but please don’t label me one.    Our country has a lot of  people who are against anyone that is not like them.   We must stop this hatred of different races and sexual orientation.  We need to come together and try to come up with solutions and stop slinging the mud.  I am tired of the Limbaugh and Palin types.  They just stir up hatred and anger.

Let us come together in the middle and try to figure out how to solve our problems instead of finger-pointing and dealing with one extreme or the other.  There is too much hate and anger.

The First Easter without my Dad.

My Dad committed suicide on December 31, 2009.  I never thought that previous statement would be possible.  My Dad was a strong, can do man.  However, on December 31 he said he “cannot” for the first time.  He did not want to live.  I wish I had known there was something wrong.  I wish I could hug him one more time and tell him how much I loved him and admired him.  I was always so proud of my Dad but did not tell him.

Everyone grieves in different ways.  My way was anger and denial.  I was mad at him.  How could he do this to my Mom, kids and grandchildren.  My anger also turned to my mother.  What did she say to him before he did this.  How could she miss the signs.  My relationship with my mother has always been delicate since the day I was born.  However, the death of my father has made it where I don’t have a relationship at all with her.   I miss her and I am letting her have her space.  I hope that one day we can sit down and work things out.  My parents would have been married for 48 years last month.  I can only imagine how hard it has to be for her not to have her rock, her love, her best friend with her.

It was easy to be in denial of my father’s death because I could just pretend that he was at home with my Mom and since I have not been over to the house then I did not have to face it.   Friday, Good Friday, it hit me like a brick. I was getting gas and my car would not start.  I tried not to panic and opened the hood and checked things but still would not start.  I got back in my car and started to call my Dad.   My Dad was always there for me when I needed him.   I then realized that I could not call my Dad.  I would never be able to call my Dad for help again.  It was at that moment that I really truly began to grieve my father.  How would I make it with out my Dad to be there when I needed help.  I cried harder than I ever had before and have been this weekend.  My “Daddy” is gone and will not be coming back.

My oldest son came over this morning and gave me a stuffed bunny this morning and spent a little bit of time before he went to the family gathering that I was not invited to.  I am grateful for him and did make it a little easier today.   I sit at home today with my car not working, without my family, no Easter dinner but all of that is so secondary to my Dad is not here.   I can get my car fixed and try to work on my family relationships but there is nothing I can do to bring my Dad back.

My Dad is in a better place and it is because of Jesus Christ that my Dad was forgiven of his sins and I believe spending his first Easter up in heaven with Jesus himself.  I have a tendency to be agnostic but I must believe in God or I would not think that my father was in heaven.

Thank you for reading my very first blog post.  Please remember to tell people in your life how much they mean to you while you have a chance.